I wrote this 3 months back on a tissue paper because I was pretty stressed out and couldn't find a paper. Hahah. Yeah. So remember that previous post where I posted that I wouldn't get affected by the judgemental society? I kinda did but then it was easier to pull myself together this time round. So, here's the story.

One day I was walking pass this street. A small alley. I saw a man. I didn't recognize him at all but he kept smiling at me in a friendly way. When I walked back home, I saw my mom and my Dad smiling and me calling me fat.

J O K I N G.

Here's the real story.
My parents started comparing me and some other Tom, dick and Harry. And I felt it was obnoxious at that time. I mean they were the one who taught me all those "in life, you just need to be yourself" "you need not satisfy people " "you need not be like them." And now, they are like "look at her.....Why is she able to...and you can't?" "It's all about...." I felt vulnerable after what they said. So I went to the showers and thought about it. (Disclaimer: even daily, I take 1-2 hours to shower unless I am in a rush hour situation ) so this time I didn't want to think about it anymore.
At first, I was like "it's unfair. " then slowly, I thought "it's my life. I mean I suffer. Not them. So fuck it." I moved on. I set my goals and I knew where I wanna go. Right now, when people compare me, I still feel a little vulnerable but it's fine. The competition is there and I am up for it! If my friends think I am a freak, so be it. If they think that I don't belong to their clique so be it. I mean, I will appear as lonely and weird but that is who I am. I am different and that is who I want to be.
*My parents were definitely comparing me because of my poor academics*

Ending off...


This dress I really loved from topshop:(

So, heyyyyy. Have been really studying hard for my examinations and I am getting my hopes high but I don't wanna disappoint myself at the end of the day. I still have physics paper tomorrow but I just need to tell you guys about some deep thoughts I have been through for quite sometime.

I realised I never was satisfied with my life. I am always looking for something better. Something strong and attractive. I was always looking for attention like love and care because I felt like I wasn't being loved or cared enough by people. I started comparing myself with people. Like popular people. People who have beauty, power, wealth,etc. It's really hard to face the cruel society. I never felt secured. I never felt beautiful enough. I admit I do look myself in the mirror and thank my mom, Dad and forefathers for a decent face. I do find myself pretty and I get confidence from that but then my confidence level drops to -46990582615284904 when I see people who are much more better than me. I felt like I wasn't fit enough. More over, I didn't know who to turn to when I am down. I felt like between my friends and cliques I don't have mutual trust between them as much as others as have with them. I don't know Why. I felt that If I tell someone whom know all my friends, that person would feel like I am a loser and then spread the message across and stop getting closer to me. It is when people turn their backs on me. I felt like a let down when I had bad grades. A let down to everyone around me. I know it is me whom I created this cause and no one is to be blamed but me. I get so stressed during the exam periods and just break down. Even a simple math equation and I can't solve? I ask myself "what is going on? Why am I like that?" My tears just couldn't stop but then I stopped them from falling.

I told myself No. I am not going to let my insecurities eat me out.

Right now, I am always constantly telling myself how blessed am I to have such a great family background. My parents love me dearly and my brothers care for me even though they don't really show it but I know they have always been supporting me. Even though I have always been fighting with my brothers, we still forgive each other. I might always feel outcasted with my cliques but hey, at least they welcome me and we still go together in school. Thankful for everything. Even though I always complain still Why don't I have this why don't I have that on twitter but I still do appreciate what I still have right now. I tell myself I might not be the prettiest girl in the world but I will let society accept me for who I am but not whether I am pretty or not. If society decides that I am not "applicable " I will still do what I am best at. Even when I know I will do badly for a test and get scolded by my parents, I will tell them the next time. I has to try my best at that moment and that was the best I could give during that hour but right now I have days and months to catch up and I will. So, some serious shit has just started. I am changing for myself not for others.

Much love!